Small Steps Into the Unknown
Sometimes it becomes clear that nothing ahead of us is certain, or known. I’ve just begun to shift my focus, to change my trajectory, and I’m faced with just how much of my life is unknown at this point. There are a lot of possibilities, and sometimes that’s even harder. Which road is the right road? Which direction to I pick?
I’m also chuckling to myself that of all things, this small musing about doubt and uncertainty is the first thing I’m ever going to post publicly. I’m a healer with my own business, shouldn’t I be showing everyone that I have it all together, that they should come to me for answers? Well, we all find ourselves at a crossroads at some point in our lives. As I’ve just entered my Chiron return, I think I’m right on track for this crossroads.
Today, in order to not be overwhelmed, I am focusing on small steps. Clear a shelf. Do my dishes. It’s a chop wood, carry water kind of day. It’s a way to re-orient when my mind inevitably begins to spin and I over-think and worry. Oh, and I reach out to trusted friends and loved ones. They are keeping me going, they’re helping to get me out of my head, and they are cheering me on. I am so grateful.
The only clear directive I have right now is to purge. Clear out. Get rid of STUFF. I’m reminded of one of the Buddhist teachings of non-attachment, which helps, but BOY, it is not one I have practiced to this point. I have attached so much of my identity to THINGS. I’ve cleaned out closets - the SHOES! The BOOKS! I remember who I was when I purchased a lot of these things, what I thought it said about me to have cool shoes, to have a lot of books. That meant I was cool and interesting, right? I’m sending love to that version of me; she was trying so hard. Right now my favorite pair of shoes are these ratty old sneakers with a hole in them. That’s not to say I don’t still want people to think I’m cool, it’s just now I know the shoes aren’t what they’re looking for.
So, I’m packing up my house. I’m clearing out closets. Soon I’ll list my house, get it on the market, go through the process of selling it. Oh, how I am dreading this, but it’s a necessary next step. And that’s all I know at this point. That’s it. That’s the extent. The distant future I actually have a read on, but the short term is murky at best. My living situation? Right now that’s unknown. Will my business shift, grow, change and be able to sustain me? Again, we’ll see. I am stepping forward without a map, trusting that the way will become clear. In this moment, I am not scared. In this moment, I am certain this is the right path for me. I am also certain that doubt and fear will creep in again. I will continue to chop wood, and carry water. And call a friend.
